BRANT WATCH

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An all-inclusive yet clearly, for legal purposes, satirical and made-up website for brant brothers sightings, news, gossip, rumors, photos, and other necessaries. Original concept by Scott Indrisek, a slovakian socialite. For legal purposes, written and hosted by someone else entirely.

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“This isn’t goddamn physics,” said best-selling self-help speaker and noted leather daddy Kelvin Prunchin, explaining the mechanics of the ‘Silent Duck’ to a visibly squeamish Harry and Peter II. The trio were in the front row at the tents to view the latest collection from Betsey Johnson, inspired by Skittles, Cyndi Lauper, and the rich history of British chav culture. Problems arose from the start, beginning with an amateurish DJ who hadn’t received the memo that ghost-house is dead, having been ousted by acid-grunge and Italo-disco-horrorcore circa January 12, 2013. “You make the duck’s bill,” Prunchin continued, even as the models began flopping down the runway, “and then you just insinuate yourself in there in a very ninja-y manner.” After the show concluded and the casualties were tallied—two broken ankles, four nosebleeds, and an unexplained mini-outbreak of Hepatitis C—the group repaired to Kwanzaa, a new members-only club housed in a former women’s shelter on Avenue D. An Andrew W.K. impersonator performed at the event. Gift bags, surprisingly robust for this year’s NYFW, included copies of Gone Girl, boxes of Kimono’s I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bareback (TM) prophylactics, and miniature kitten ceramics by Karen Kilimnik. Peter II and Harry managed to evade the aroma of hairgel and despair that is Kelvin Prunchin, even as he continued his unsolicited lesson: “The secret, boys, is plenty of Purell….”

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