BRANT WATCH

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An all-inclusive yet clearly, for legal purposes, satirical and made-up website for brant brothers sightings, news, gossip, rumors, photos, and other necessaries. Original concept by Scott Indrisek, a slovakian socialite. For legal purposes, written and hosted by someone else entirely.

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Harry and Peter II in the audience for Lou Reed’s “hypno-poetic” performative lecture, held at Cooper Union and co-sponsored by Kraft and the personal injury law firm of Schmiller, Sandler, and Whipple. They are joined by Leonard Berkus, the affable star of the FX sitcom Hey Hey, Tomorrow’s Another Day; AsienBoySk8RFace 2000, the sexual horoscope blogger and rising star of the snakeboarding scene; and XR1215, an updated version of Peter II’s slightly inferior doppelgänger from rentaslightlyinferiorlookingperson
tomakeyoulookbetterincomparison.com.
Harry wears an Alexander Olch tie in a patented shade of Slippery Pimento; Peter II sports motorcycle pants sewn from parachute material utilized by the elite team that killed bin Laden. “I’m sort of here by mistake,” Harry said, noting that he had inexplicably mistaken Reed for Stephan Jenkins, the frontman of Third Eye Blind. 

The former Velvet Underground icon’s performance began with an a cappella rendition of Poe’s The Raven sung by Rufus Wainwright, who shimmied and flailed above the crowd using technology borrowed from Fuerza Bruta. Afterward, a naked Reed was carried onto the stage by a team of notables that included Cindy Sherman, Antony, Matthew Barney, and, somewhat counterintuitively, Guy Fieri. He was left, shivering ever so slightly under a spotlight, while an orchestra composed of NYU sophomores performed a deconstructed symphony for the tiny viola. As the music swelled to a near orgasmic crescendo, the arts journalist Linda Yablonsky descended from stage left, dressed as an enormous hypodermic syringe; Reed began spasming and Yablonsky, in homage to Jennifer Rubell, dripped honey on his bashful genitalia.

"This is fucked," said Peter II. "These people are old enough to know better." The Brants cut a hasty exit before the piece’s finale, which included a donkey show and a cameo from Michael Stipe. 

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