BRANT WATCH

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An all-inclusive yet clearly, for legal purposes, satirical and made-up website for brant brothers sightings, news, gossip, rumors, photos, and other necessaries. Original concept by Scott Indrisek, a slovakian socialite. For legal purposes, written and hosted by someone else entirely.

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"The ocean is so over,” drawled Harry, wearing American Apparel Daisy Dukes and a pair of snug-fitting leather Crocs. “I don’t understand the fucking appeal,” Peter II chimed in, re: the ocean. “You know what’s going to happen. The waves keep coming, they crash against the rocks, every now and then a boat goes by, etceteras. I tried sitting here sort of gazing out and contemplating my own mortality, but that got old after like thirty seconds.” The Brants were taking a well-deserved break from the quinceañera-themed 26th birthday of socialite Patti DuLong, heir to the DuLong cement-and-avocado fortune. A marathon 24-hour celebration, the event included a roast pig stuffed with pineapple puree and gemstones; a life-sized piñata depicting Barack Obama as noted Mexican socialist Pancho Villa; a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey using live, anesthetized donkeys; and a fireworks ceremony, organized by artist Cai Guo-Qiang, that spelled Patti’s name out in loving cursive across the night sky of San Jose del Cabo. “Mexicans aren’t nearly as lazy as they’re made out to be,” said Harry, taking a break from the complimentary ‘Aztec Man-I-Cure’ booth. “I mean, they’re lazy, but they’re not nearly as lazy as, like, Guatemalans. We’ve had to fire tons of those in the past year.”

Party guests were handed a gift bag that included mezcal, diamond-studded maracas, and a copy of DuLong’s vanity-published guidebook, Fucking Hot On Instagram. “Let’s hope that she steps it up next year and has a party somewhere interesting,” Peter II yawned. “Like in a volcano.”

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